Walls
by Amlmanda
Summary: Eren Jaeger is a troubled teenager who has trouble containing his pent up anger. AU, oneshot. Warning: contains violent themes.


I walk into the classroom as usual, with my eyes cast down and dark bangs hanging in my face. I look around the room, seeing the usual faceless bastards sitting around the room, talking and laughing to other faceless beings. I self consciously pull on the sleeves of the sweater, willing them to be even longer to thoroughly cover the scars and scabs evident on my forearm. I take my seat as usual, pulling my notebook from my bag, following the same monotonous routine that repeats every morning. After following more steps of the regular procedure, I move on to my favorite part of it: looking for her. I search the room until I spot the familiar raven hair and mysterious grey eyes of her. She was the only true human in this school full of animals that happened to only resemble humans. Yet, even she became a demon as a boy with almost-pink hair and face that fitfully resembled a horse swung an arm around that grey-eyed beauty and kisses her on the forehead, effectively stabbing a hole into my chest. My mind goes blank and I hear a nonexistent buzzing sound resonate through my ears as I ask myself the same question I ask everyday:

_I've built my walls up so high… Why can't I defend them against her?_

I stagger through the rest of the day, following the herds through the halls, my body walking simply by impulse, not by my will. I see him with her throughout the day, walking with hands intertwined; giggling as they walk past me, bumping into me, as if I was invisible. But why would they notice me? I took precautions to remain indistinct, so if I was ever graced with the privilege of being recalled, I would be a distant shadow, a forgotten face, hidden behind the walls I've built.

After the last bell had rung, I slowly walk home, trying to fight against the anger threatening to burst. My pent up anguish causes tears to spill down my check and fall onto the sidewalk, blending in with the other small water drops causes by the slight drizzle as I fight the urge to punch something. As soon as I reach my house, I run to the bathroom and turn the lock behind me. I gently pick up a razor and begin the last installment of my daily ritual. I close my eyes and bring my hand down, I slice the skin along my arm.

One.

Two.

Three.

One slash for each shard of glass pierced into my throbbing heart.

Four.

Five.

Six.

I can feel the adrenaline kicking in, filling me with strength, relishing in the pleasure of my pain. I am strong as I push against the walls I've spend so many years building against the outside world.

Seven.

Eight.

I punch against the stone in frustration, hoping it would crack under the force. But I should have known better. These walls were built by the titans of my thoughts, and were not to be knocked down so easily.

Nine.

I am at my limit as I give one last effort against the cold rocks.

Ten.

My body seizes up, and I immediately know that something is wrong. Instead of the usual relief at the release of my aguish I've come to know, my body feels too hot. My arm is on fire while everything else slowly turns numb. I cut too deep.

I feel my warm blood seep onto the bathroom floor, turning the white tiles red. I don't know if it was seconds or years later since my vision had long since fated to black, but I hear a distant scream. I hear urgent voices full of hysteria soon followed by the sound of a siren. My body is numb, and I only know I'm being carried by the sound of air moving past my ears. Slowly, silently, I lose my senses, and I fall back into a black void…

As I descend downward through the darkness, I see my life flash before my eyes. That day I found my mother in the basement with her eyes staring off into oblivion, a gun lying still in her hand as her arm hung limp from her shoulder. The bullet would still trickling blood down her face, showcasing a gunshot through her temple. My mother was consumed by the demons of her thoughts, by the terrifying titans that raged through her mind. I remember hearing my own scream before the panic started. The sound of stampeding feet as EMTs lifted me away with tears in their eyes. However, they were not tears of sadness, but tears of pity. From that moment on, I decided that I didn't want their pity, and that was the day I started building my wall.

After my mother's death, my father and I moved closer to the city, away from the pitying eyes of the neighbors, away from the judging faces of the people we once knew. Once we had left behind our old life, my father chose to leave behind me too. I rarely saw him since that day, only glimpses when I came home from school before he would disappear into a different part of the house. I haven't seen my father's face in five years, only a shadowy figure that seems to barely acknowledge my existence. He hides in the basement of our house, letting no one else descend the stairs to discover want he's been hiding. About a year ago, I felt the presence of darkness behind me and I turned, then jumped back, startled at the close proximity of my father. "Take this." He boomed, dropping a key into the palm of my hand. "Unlock the basement when you know you need to." As I tumble through the endless void, I feel the leather cord around my neck, and the golden key glinting tauntingly in front of me as I'm pulled ever downward, and I know that I'll never see the great experiments hidden inside the basement.

The memories fade into the sea of night as I continue to fall into nowhere. One last time to see the people I once cared about, then learned to hate. I hate my mother for leaving this world, for abandoning me among these faceless, emotionless beings. I hate her for disappearing, and deserting me alone with my shadow of a father. I hate my father for never recognizing me as his child, for making me feel trapped in my own world. I hate him for forcing me to build walls against the outside world simply because he taught me that people you trust betray you. I finally realize that I don't have to be ashamed of the walls I've built around myself. They protect me from the harm of others, protect me from feeling the pain of losing someone I love again. With or without someone to care about, I would feel alone, because I would never allow them access into my walls. Never let them see the most vulnerable part of me so they can betray me later. Everything feels right as I plummet down. Down into the sea of darkness. Down into the black shadows that haunt my dreams, into the mouth of the titan inside me. I regret nothing.

Five months later, I return to school from rehab, where I had been taught how to push down the walls containing me. I walk into the classroom as usual, with my eyes cast down and dark bangs hanging in my face. I skip the majority of my procedure, and my eyes immediately hone in on the one with raven hair, with those mysterious grey eyes. The boy with the horseface walks up behind her and swings an arm around her, talking lovingly into her ear. I sigh, then take a deep breath, and slowly place down the first brick to rebuild my walls.

* * *

**Hey guys, so this is my Eren oneshot. My thoughts were about what would happen if Eren took out his anger on himself instead of on others. Please review, thanks for reading!  
**

**Aml**


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